Mature Enough To Keep My Mouth Shut To Save My Marriage
By Dr. Nicole S. Mason, Esquire
One of my goals at age 17 when I stepped onto the campus of Howard University was to meet someone that I had to get on the plane to go and meet his family! Up to that point, I had been dating men who were drug dealers and as one of them told me, “Nicky, we are just not going in the same direction. You need to keep going in the direction you are going.” Although his advice was not what I wanted to hear at that time, he was correct. I had big goals and dreams. Making the transition from high school to college was most certainly an opportunity for a clean slate, a fresh start. We parted ways as friends. He would subsequently be the victim of a homicide a few years later.
It wasn’t a month into my first semester at Howard University that I crossed paths with a young man who was cute, dressed well and he was very charismatic. He would eventually wait for me after class, carry my books and walk me to my next class. I liked him, but there was one problem. He was not from out of town! He was a local guy. And, when I invited him to dinner and to meet my mother and grandmother, my grandmother liked him! That had NEVER happened! My grandmother was a good judge of character and could read folks within five minutes of meeting them. She had the audacity to tell me, “That boy is perfect for you.” WHAT! Thus, our courtship began. We would have our first son while still in college. We grew to love each other immensely, but we had significant obstacles to overcome. One major obstacle was my mouth! I am an only child and only grandchild. I was used to getting my way, and I could put a hurting on you with my words. I found out that it was not a good recipe for success in a real relationship. Up to that point, I figured out, what I thought were relationships were not. Due to the lifestyles of the men I dated, there really wasn’t much expectation. There would be no future with any of them. This relationship was serious and had the potential to grow into something beautiful.
My issue was the need to have the last word. My mother always chastised me about having to have the last word. I knew I could tone it down, because I surely did with my mother. Although she loved me to pieces, she did not play with me! I was met with swift punishment on many occasions, and it was always related to “my mouth and the words I spoke.” Of course, I took that same behavior into my relationship that turned into my marriage. There were many times that I used my words to cut my husband deeply, not understanding the severity of the problem or my immaturity in taking great pleasure in doing so. My behavior caused major friction in the marriage, but my husband was patient with me. There was a point that I knew I was wearing him thin. I had to do some work on myself to save my marriage.
The first thing that happened to me was I gave my heart to the Lord. I began working on myself and learning that “silence really is golden.” I also learned that everything did not require a response from me, and I finally got the lesson my mom was trying to teach me, I do not have to have the last word in an argument to prove that I won. Many times, over the years, I have learned that my silence did more to change the situation than my words could ever do. I just had to grow up!
The second thing I did was get a mentor that I could trust to talk about matters that were close to my heart. We all need someone to hold the space for us. I hold the space now for many women, both personally, professionally and in my coaching business. Since my parents divorced when I was three, I did not see the role of wife modeled in my life.
Finally, I sought out older women with successful marriages to gain wisdom on how to honor my husband and to be a blessing to him. I am grateful that this is our 37th year together, and we are still in love! But I also know that understanding that there really is life and death in the words that I speak has saved my marriage! I praise God for allowing my husband to love the hell right on out of me!
