For alot of women deciding to be a stay at home mother is a to choice filled with ups and downs, anxiety and worry. While it’s not always easy, one SAHM, Ophelia Uke, makes it clear that it’s all worth it.
Tell us about your family.
My husband and I are the proud parents of 4 wonderful children, three boys and a girl. The eldest is 14 years and the youngest 6. We have been living in Upstate NY for approximately 12 years.
For the most part we are a close knit family, though we have our ups and down’s just like anybody else, but one thing we always try to do is to pray and read our Bibles together each night. At times, it can be very trying when you have your way of wanting to do things, but then you have to take into consideration the opinion of another person. At times that can be a very hard thing to do, especially when your mind is focused on how you feel things should be handled.
I think when it comes to many things my husband and I share the same views, especially with the values we want to instill within our children. For us, God is the center of all things, as we can do nothing of ourselves. The boys are very involved in sports, they play baseball, basketball and football, plus they are also in scouts. Being that the boys have such a busy schedule it has affected how many things my daughter can be apart of, so for now she only takes part in Girl Scouts.
My husband’s job was quite demanding and it often left me feeling like a single parent. Many duties were left up to me more often than I would have wanted them to, which was extremely frustrating. During those times I felt like “this is not the life that I signed up for”often. His commitment was more to the job based on the dynamics of it, than what there was for me. I felt more like a roommate than a wife. I wasn’t sure how many more years of this married woman, single parent’s life that I was willing to put up with. The kids disliked it, however I hated it more. At the end of the day I love him and he loves me too.
You have been a SAHM for 12 years. Was it off and on during that time or the entire time?
I was a stay at home mom for the entire 12 years.
Was there specific life event that lead you to become a SAHM?
Yes. We moved upstate when the two older boys were ages 2 1/2 and 1 year. With them being so young there was no way I was willing to have both myself and my husband commuting to the city daily, leaving them in the care of whom we didn’t know. My husband definitely didn’t want any other person caring for our children either, as they are our world. Truth be told I was not happy going to work each day as it wasn’t truly where my heart laid. If you are not passionate about what you’re doing and it’s not putting a smile on your face, then it’s not what you should be doing.
All of your children are school aged now, so do you see yourself returning to the work force in the future? Do you feel that it still works best for your family for you to be available to be actively present in their day to day versus having to focus on a workday which may not leave “the best you” available once they return home?
No I don’t see myself returning to the work force in terms of working for someone else as I did before. As a matter a fact, my husband asked me that same question when we had our last child, and my response to him was this; “If I am not doing something for myself, then you will forever be the sole provider”. God was listening, because doors started opening up for me to step into the light of what I truly LOVED, as our daughter was getting ready to start kindergarten.
Yes I absolutely feel it still works best for me to be present for my family. It’s due to my being home that enabled the children to be active in various sports and activities, not only that, I was able to see to it, that they were selective with the choosing of people they chose to refer to as friends, because not everyone is deserving of that title. A Smile or a Hello does not qualify someone to take up permanent placement within our lives. I think as a parent it is absolutely beneficial if we can be present for the children, as it does promote higher academics and a closer bond wherein they feel comfortable enough to speak with us, leaving them less likely to get caught up in peer pressure. I see the disconnect that are in many households where both parents are unfortunately working out of the home, whereby the children are left to either raise themselves or have the streets raising them. I love that I am able to see them off each day and receive them every afternoon with open arms. Due to my being home my children and I are very close, my eldest son has even dubbed himself a mama’s boy.
Did staying at home present any financial challenges for you?
It had its pro and cons. When you look at the amount we would have been paying in child care, it’s as if I would have just been working to give it to a child care provider. So, with me staying home it did cut that expense. However, we now had to start counting every penny. Things you could once do are no longer an option, plus with cost of living constantly on the rise. It’s fair to say things were altered drastically, after the first few years of my not working.
Do you ever need a break?
Absolutely! As a full-time stay at home mom you eventually lose your identity, you become frustrated, and for some, if you’re not strong enough one could easily slip into a depression because now everything is on your back and you’re expected to fulfill all tasks. There is no such thing as a break or sick leave, yet alone vacation days. At times you just want to pull your hair out while running around screaming like a mental patient.
What is your typical day to day like?
I don’t think there is enough time or space for me to give a full run down of what my day looks like. For the most part a typical day for me consists of getting up by 6 a.m. This is usually after only going to bed at 2 a.m., because I’m up taking care of what wasn’t completed due to the chaos of all that is going on once they got home. And then the day goes something like this:
• Waking up the kids according to their school schedules.
• Preparing and feeding breakfast according to those same schedules and also preparing lunch (including packing)
• Taking all kids to school at their designated time (2 trips-the last at 9:15)
• Clean up from morning activities.
• Picking up daughter from half day Kindergarten at 11:45 and dropping her at another half day program.
• Errands
• Pick up all children from school and return home between 2:45-3:45
• The rest of the afternoon/evening consists of homework assistance, dinner preparation and depending on the season any athletic/scout activities.
There were times where I had to leave from scouts with them before it was dismissed due to the fact they had a basketball game, which was not in the town we lived in nor was it in the town of which they were going to scouts. Needless to say I lived more in my car than the house. My days also consist of doctor appointments as they come up.
Do you have a support circle of other mothers to “release” with or do activities outside of the home throughout the day?
No I do not. Everything I do is based on the kids. Well actually I used to go to gym after dropping them off at school but, 4 years ago I was in a car accident which eliminated that outlet. Now I write and at times I am asked to speak.
Do you feel like your being at home hindered your children in any way: for example social skills?
No my kids have amazing social skills as they are involved in many things, plus they take part in the youth group at our church. They actually take advantage of me; being that I’m home they feel they have a free ride everywhere.
What have been the cons of being a SAHM? The rewards?
For me the biggest con was the loss of my identity and the fact that my husband worked so many hours, so it felt like my kids lost their father and me, my partner.
The Greatest rewards for me is seeing my kids grow up, being apart of every milestone they’re facing and have faced in their lives. I especially love being able to chaperone their school trips as well as volunteering in their schools for books fairs, picture day and anything I am needed for.
What do you know now that you wish you had known before making the choice to stay home and would that knowledge have altered your choice in any way?
Honestly knowing everything I now know, and going through all the emotional highs and lows I went through, I would do it all over again for my children, even without anything being altered. Even just hearing the kids tell me daily how much they love me, erases all the negatives.
Did you find you had more interest in their school activities, homework etc. once you were at home simply because you did not have a job draining your focus and energy?
Well I can’t answer that, as when I decided to become a stay at home mom neither of the two children we had at the time were in school as of yet.
Many parents are so tied up in their careers they miss many pivotal and exciting moments in their children’s lives because they simply are not around. Did you spend a lot of time prepping your younger children for school with lots of learning activities etc.? Do you think it played a role in how quickly your children were able to excel in terms of language, potty training, walking etc?
I certainly spent lots of time prepping them as much as I possibly could for school, because I wanted to make sure they were well prepared. I would have to say yes, without a doubt it played a role in them doing things at a more advanced level.
Did you ever receive any negative feedback about staying home?
Yes I did get some negative feedback in terms of it being said; I was crazy to put my life on hold for my children, as they will one day grow up and not appreciate the sacrifices I have made.
Was your spouse fully supportive of the idea?
My husband was actually the one to suggest it.
Any regrets, home or career wise, based on your choice to stay home?
I used to have regrets, but now as I have matured seeing the benefits it provided for my children, no. I think me being home, also helped me to learn more about myself and my capabilities, because unless you are placed in a situation you couldn’t understand another persons journey. This along with other things I have gone through in my life has shaped me into the person I am today, and for me to have regrets is to also hate where I have ended up.
What advice would you leave with mom’s considering staying home?
My advice would be to make certain you are mentally prepared for what’s to come and that it’s something that you are truly wanting to do, for if not, you can and will end up hating your spouse and disliking your children. Being a full time stay at home mom is not an easy task, but it is rewarding, especially to the benefits of the children. Please find an outlet for yourself wherein you can release. Otherwise the frustration is going to build up if you have nothing for yourself, as mine did after I could no longer attend the gym.
All Rights Reserved. Connected Woman Magazine. 2014
