My Mother, My Friend?
By Maram J
The 90’s witnessed an uproar in mother-daughter films. They portrayed relationships on the entire spectrum, from happy go lucky duo’s to downright dysfunctional ones. Everyone watching was able to identify with the characters on their TV screens. Oh yeah, Susan Sarandon is DEFINITELY my mom. Evan Rachel Wood’s life is obviously based on my daughter’s.
Unfortunately, mother-daughter relationships aren’t as simple as Hollywood’s productions. In the real world, the scripts aren’t yet finished and everyday brings about a new battle, a new victory, a new loss. In the real world, these relationships are far more complex and no two are ever the same, even between siblings.
Mothers play an integral part in their children’s lives; they shelter us for nine months inside their womb, they stay up all night trying to figure out how to make our fever go away and they spend all afternoon teaching us basic maths. They caress our wounds and hold our hands through the hard times. But as we grow older and become more of who we truly are, a dynamic shift takes over this standard.
Or at least it has for me.
Don’t get me wrong, my mother and I have a healthy-ish relationship. She remains to be supportive of my dreams, career choices and boyfriend (whom I think she loves more than me. HA!). Her strength, patience and compassion still manages to inspire me to one day become the parent she is; in the way she caters to all our needs and juggles her demanding work with taking care of us.
But the older I get the more I realize our massive differences and the more we argue. What we say to each other becomes misconstrued and, sometimes, completely lost in translation. I don’t agree to her ways and she doesn’t agree to mine. She takes my words personally and I take hers as reprimanding and condemning. Later on, and after I have cooled down, I realize that she means no harm, that this is her way of expressing her love and care. Sure, I wish she could change her ways but I am sure she wishes for me to change mine.
But neither will change. What we do instead is never bring up the topic again. At least not intentionally. Healthy solution? Absolutely not, but it keeps things steady and quiet even if for a few weeks.
Due to the dramatic changes in our societies since our parents’ upbringing and ours, we are inevitably much different than them. Sure, we may possess similar characteristics but our values and lifestyles have been altered which is why, for the most part, they may not understand all the choices that we make nor will they totally completely adapt to them.
I believe this ‘generation gap’ plays a huge part in making mother-daughter 
relationships even more intricate. But besides being
But besides the complications that live in the folds of mother-daughter relationships we need to understand its’ resiliency. These bonds, even if they bend every now and then, hold great value because both parties care deeply for each other. And as we daughters grow older we develop a new sense of responsibility towards our aging parents; to not hurt their newly attained sensitive feelings, to care for them when they fall ill and to shower them with even more love and respect. After all, wouldn’t we want the same from our kids when we are 65 years old?
Sure, our mothers will continue to criticize our choice of ripped jeans and the way we like to leave clothes on the bedroom floor because, as I believe, mothers will continue to mother and daughters will continue to seek their approval throughout their lives. And this starts at a very young age. Dr. Christiane Northrup, author of the book Mother-Daughter Wisdom, explained that “Each of us takes in at a cellular level how our mother feels about being female, what she believes about her body, how she takes care of her health, and what she believes is possible in life.”
Makes total sense, doesn’t it? Our mothers are the first people we interact with and whom we have spent most of our time with as infants, toddlers and young children. Most of us mirrored her behavior, stealing her lipstick and smeared it all over our faces and walked around in her high heels. They may not be perfect (because no one is) but they have provided us with something not many relationships can: unconditional love.
So, to all girls out there who have turbulent relationships with their mothers: you are not alone and it will get better with age. If not, seek counseling -therapy works wonders.
To my mother: I am sorry for being difficult but haven’t our arguments made us stronger? Thank you for your everlasting support.
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