Momma’s Got It: The Truth About Single Parenthood- A Woman’s Story
Parenting children in general can be a wonderful yet complicated experience. The foundation is built on many dynamics including the two people involved, how they handle each other, how prepared for parenting they are and what their priorities and parenting goals are. Recently, we chatted with mother Jeneen Walker about her journey of navigating through single parenthood.
First, what is your definition of a single parent?
A single parent is someone who is the primary and or the only caretaker of their children. I believe that this can be for someone who was once married, and is now divorced, or for someone who was in a relationship that was not marriage, but is no longer in that relationship, or even for someone who is in a marriage however, the spouse is not involved in the caretaking of the children for whatever reason. for example: This could be that they are in a military family, where the spouse might be gone for extended period of times, or even if the spouse is disabled, and they don’t have the capability to be able to assist in the raising a rearing of their children. This can also be in a marriage relationship with a spouse is just not emotionally available for their children and leaves the responsibility to the other parent.
Would you describe your overall experience as positive or negative?
I often say that I would never wish being a single parent on anyone. But now that my children are older, I look back over the journey, and I realize that I made the best decision of taking my children out of a dysfunctional home situation, and actively becoming a single parent to where we have been able to thrive in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that me and my children have been able to do a lot of things that I have been able to accomplish that I don’t believe that I would’ve ever done if I was still married. Even my mindset and how I view myself has improved tremendously as a single person and a single parent where I don’t think I would’ve had that growth and self-awareness and strong sense of self and high self-esteem if I was to stay in a dysfunctional marriage. I believe my kids are more open to sharing their feelings I believe my children have been more compassionate in a lot of ways, and I think that really stems from us having open and honest conversations about where they are, and how they feel being in a single parent household, how they feel about their father and seeing the different family dynamics between the two homes and being able to give them the opportunity to verbalize their feelings, their thoughts and process it together as a family. So, in retrospect, I think that my experience has been fairly great not to discount a lot of the days in moments and times weird has been very hard, and I think a lot of us as single parents do experience struggles and live in a means of survival to get through just day today. But I think if I was to have the choice to do it all over again, I would make the same decision to raise my children as a single parent.
Single Parenthood is a journey, not a final destination. – Jeneen Walker
What is a valuable lesson that you learned from co-parenting/ being a single parent?
I think the most valuable lesson that I’ve learned from coparenting is to really manage my expectations of the other parent. And realize that I can’t force the other parent to parent in a way that I do that they have a different style of parenting. I think it was important for me to be open to communicate with the other parent, and to do it with the kids in the forefront and not allow my feelings to get involved. There’s a level of disassociation that I had to do in the earlier years, because I was still healing from the result of a divorce, however, as my children got older, and has we’ve gotten into a good coparenting routine I have been able to focus strictly on the kids with the other parent and not get involved in anything else outside of that. And I really just look at the other parent for who they are if they are willing to make changes that improve certain relationships with their children then great if they don’t decide to do that then great because I’m going to always be there for my children and really make sure that they get what they need even if the other parent is not necessarily parenting in a way that is agreeable with me.
When you look back would you consider the relationship stable PRIOR TO adding children to the equation? Did the other parent present (show in action) a desire to be a parent, be helpful etc. during the relationship, marriage and pregnancy? Do you feel you overlooked any signs?
Oh wow! Did I ever overlook a lot of signs! I was young and I valued marriage and starting a family as a means of being successful in life over any type of career. So, I was driven to make that happen even though the person who became my husband was not the person that treated me the way I deserved or needed in my life. There was a lot of infidelity in the marriage prior to me becoming pregnant with my children. And if I really not focus on my ex, I realize that I was not in a healthy state as far as valuing myself, and felt that he was the best that I could do for whatever reason. I could tell you stories of my now ex-husband not working and me having to get up in the morning, get my kids ready for school, take them to school go to work full-time and then picking them up from school bringing them back home and cooking- only to see my ex-husband not do anything in the day and staying home or going out or doing whatever he wanted to do. So even before becoming a single parent through divorce I was parenting solo while married, and even to this day, I don’t feel that I get the best support from the other parent for my kids but now that my kids are older, they are more self-sufficient and I’m in a position to where I don’t have to rely on the other parent to be there unless he wants to so I’ll let him now initiate building a relationship and assisting the kids if needed.
Describe a time- when you were either really struggling in the role as a single parent or actually enjoying the drama/chaos free zone you were in compared to perhaps what your friends or family may have been going through in their own situations.
I think the time that I was struggling the most as a single parent was really when my ex-husband walked out of the door and moved back to the town where we both had family. And here I was living an hour away from any family new in this town and not really knowing anybody. My children at that time were three and five years old and I had no idea one how was going to be able to be a parent and work full-time and to how I was going to be able to afford where I was staying because I was not getting any type of financial support from my ex-husband. That was probably the hardest realization, but also in away free, because I knew that I could not continue to live in a state of dysfunction. I remember, I said on my bed, and I pray to God, and I said God, he I am now as a single parent and I don’t have any family and I don’t know how I’m going to survive this, but I know that you are here with me and I am asking you to be the provider that my husband was supposed to be for me and our family and to continue to support us and to watch over us. And as I look back over that time now that my kids are 14 and 17 God was there and he helped me and he provided for me, and he really allow me to just grow and to accomplish a lot of things that I know I would’ve never been able to accomplish if I was to stay in that marriage. So, on one end, it was the hardest thing to walk out, not knowing how it was going to make it day to day Financially – how I was going to be there for my kids and work a full-time job but then on the other end, coming to the close, almost, of a journey of raising my children, seeing how I was able to make it, and I can attest to you that it was only because God was with me the whole time.
Did you ever feel like a failure and what did that signify to you as a mother?
I think the feeling of failure for me was when I looked out at other people and other family units and compare myself to them. I saw two parent homes flourishing, and here I was a single mom trying to heal from divorce and infidelity, and it reestablishing who I was as a person all while trying to raise these young kids in a place where I had no family. And often times I would feel as if I was a failure, often times I felt like I was failing my children, because they didn’t have the father figure in the household that society says it’s needed. But I really dialed into my faith, I really consider who got caught me to be, and started searching scriptures of other single parents, and really relying on what God said about being there for the fatherless children and assisting widows, and how he helped Hagar and Ishmael when she was kicked out of the camp. And the hell true to that. And I think what helped me was having people along my journey of being a single parent affirm me and say that I’m doing great as a mother. And those times happened when I really needed them the most, when I really felt the lowest about life and parenting, and what does life look like in the future for me. It always seems during those times that people would just come along and just tell me that I’m doing a great job and that my kids are flourishing and that was what I needed to hear to understand that I’m doing the best and being the best mother that I can be.
Did you have a support circle- friends, family or community- who rallied around you and provided those things/resources that were missing?
I did mention when I became a single mother that I lived in a town that was about an hour away from family. Anna, initially it was hard to find community, but I begin to be more involved in the church that I was going to, and finding other single mothers that were going through similar circumstances that I was going through and we became each other’s support. We became each other ‘s village. We became each other ‘s community and were able to watch our children collectively, and just be able to have moments of counseling each other and understanding, and being there for each other when we needed it. They really helped me watch my children when I had to work late or when I was in school and I would do the same for them. And my family stepped up and would come and visit and stay if I had to work out of town to take care of my children and so I think overall that they filled some gaps but not necessarily all of the gaps, especially when it came to my son and having a mentor -father figure really present for him and his younger years where he was more impressionable. I think that there was a lack and even to this day now that he is 17 how he is now as a result of him not benefiting having someone really taking him under their wing and mentoring him in the ways of growing up to be a man.
How transparent were/are you with your kids or do you try to not let them see you sweat?
I think one of the results of being a single parent, and raising children at the age of 3 to 5 to now as teenagers is that we have become extremely close. So, a lot of the things that I could not disclose to them, as far as struggles or issues with their father, trying to navigate the coparenting relationship, they are now seeing because they are more aware, and we have very honest conversations about Them staying with their father and preferring to be here with me instead because of the way that he runs his household and some of the things that he lacks in in regards to parenting skills. So, because my kids are older now, I feel that I can disclose more and be completely honest about a lot of things because now they can handle it and I try to initiate the conversation and ways to do a pulse Check to see how they’re feeling and how they’re doing and to see if there’s any reassurance that they need to let them know that they are loved, and they are valued. And helping them realize that even though they are in a single parent home that does not negate them from doing amazing things in their lives, that this is not a dysfunctional home even though they have one primary parent.
Is communication bad or good with the father and what is one thing you wish they understood?
Again, with her father, I manage my expectations. I know his nature being that I was married to him for eight years and so I know in the manner of how I can speak to him, sometimes in the hope of him understanding maybe he needs to spend more time with his son or maybe he needs to focus on his kids on the summer versus having a girlfriend there to help raise the kids. But if it doesn’t happen, I don’t get upset because again I have managed my expectations of knowing What his response will be and what he is going to do and what he’s not going to do. Now that my kids are older, I don’t have to communicate with him as much because my kids make the decision of whether or not they want to spend time with their father. I definitely try to encourage them to do so, but ultimately it is now up to them if they want to spend the summers like they have in the past, or any break to go spend time with him. I think the one thing I wish that their father would understand is the sacrifice that I have made as a parent, as a single parent, and raising my children to become adults that are happy, healthy home and can positively contribute to society. That that process is not easy and there has been a lot of times that I have said no to myself in order to say yes to my children. It’s a lot of sacrifice, and I don’t think that he fully understands the sacrifices that I have made, and he tends to compare his life with mine as if him having the kids if I for instance, had to work was a great sacrifice, but the truth is, is that primarily his life is him doing him and not having to consider the kids as much. It is not an equal coparenting relationship and it has never been that way, but again, I wouldn’t change a thing.
Did you ever utilize a nanny and did anyone ever attempt to shame you for doing so?
I was so over protective of my children when they were younger and honestly still am even though they’re teenagers, so no, I never utilize a nanny or a babysitter. I did have the group of other single moms where we looked out for each other’s children as a way to support each other but outside of that I’ve never use a nanny. I didn’t feel comfortable having someone there that I didn’t really know.
What is one thing you would do differently in hopes of improving your narrative?
I think I would have walked more confidently as a single parent, and been more vocal and active on who I am as a person as Jeneen versus single parent, only and plain into the societal narrative of what a single parent is, which honestly is primarily negative. I think I would’ve been more vocal and active, especially in the school system when teachers make the assumption that my children are behaving in such a way, because their fathers not with them falling into that mindset of my household being dysfunctional. Overall, I think I would have lended my voice to be an advocate for single parents and changing the negative perception.
Anything to add?
I so appreciate you offering me the opportunity and other single parents to share a little bit about their story. I don’t think that a lot has been spoken on just our lifestyle and our identity of who we are outside of parenting on our own. We are not an anomaly. We are not broken. We are not financially struggling. We are not dumb. We are not Mooching off of the government. We are so much more than that, and I think circumstances like this-becoming a single parent can happen to anyone. I really believe people as a whole should be more understanding more compassion, more supportive, and the narrative of how the world sees single parents needs to change. I really hope that I will have an opportunity to be able to speak more about how we are viewed and empower other single parents to know that they are more than what other people say that they are, and that they’re not limited because they are raising their children on their own -that they can have it all just like any two parent household can have it all, and their children can have it all just like in a two parent household children can have it all.
Want to connect? Jeneen Walker is a single-parent coach, consultant and advocate based in Atlanta, Georgia. Follow her on Instagram @jeneenelizabeth.
