Marriage, Infidelity and Making It Work
Marriage has its ups and downs. No one knows that better than Infidelity/Relationship Coach Shannon Brown. She helps couples work through infidelity and other issues that may be straining their marriage. Healthy and stable relationships or the lack thereof can affect other areas of our lives and she is there to help them work through the mess and find peace. Let’s meet her.
Where does your passion for securing the bonds of marriage come from? Did you see happy long marriages growing up? What does longevity in marriage represent to you?
I believe that over the years of working with couples and then going through my own personal journey within relationships, together has informed my knowledge and passion around the subject. I did see Happy and Long marriages growing up and I also experienced strife within relationships. I believe this all helped me in my own journey. Longevity in marriage represents Security to me. I strongly believe that we are all meant to be connected with others in secure long-standing relationships.
What initially lead to your interest in marriage and family therapy?
Honestly, my interest in working with couples grew over time. That was not my initial interest when I became a therapist, but I quickly realized I had the background, skill set, and passion for the work.
What is one of the biggest stigmas or hurdles you have had to overcome with couples when it came to them even seeking help and then accepting your advice versus them handling it on their own?
A lot of people are definitely afraid to come into the therapy office. Some are afraid of the stigma and some are just fearful due to their previous experiences. I have also heard many people say that they don’t want to go to therapy because that means they’re getting a divorce. If one person comes in, I can typically get the other person in the dyad to come in if it’s presented in a way that helps them feel as though they will be just sharing the concerns they have with the other partner. At that point, they have the opportunity to increase their comfort level around the space and with me.
Why do you think it’s so easy for some to walk away from their marriages at any sign of trouble without being willing to work it out? What happens from wedding day to separation that loses value?
There are many reasons why people walk away from marriages or find it easy to. I think sometimes that’s easier than trying to figure it out. Sometimes the pain feels unbearable and it just seems easier to walk away. Other times, it’s due to what they experienced growing up. For instance, if they saw their parents’ divorce, it may seem more acceptable. One factor that I am seeing as a theme is this idea that the partner is incapable of hurting them. So, when something like infidelity happens, it’s absolutely devastating. We tend to put our partners up on a pedestal and on the wedding day, think nothing can happen to us, we would never cheat, etc., only to find out that we are human, we are all struggling internally with pain at times, and can become vulnerable to getting connected outside the relationship inappropriately.
What makes infidelity a leading problem in marriages? Why doesn’t their commitment to marriage, their vows, and their spouse enough to keep them from straying, AND why is getting out of the marriage prior to infidelity the less chosen option.
Infidelity can happen to even the best marriages. Sometimes it’s really not about the marriage as much as it is about internal pain, suffering, disappointment, loss, self-esteem issues, etc. No doubt someone can begin to feel lonely in the relationship, not feeling as though they are a priority anymore, and therefore vulnerable to feeling fulfilled by someone else’s attention. this is why at times it doesn’t make sense to leave the relationship, because sometimes there is a clear understanding as to what is going on. All someone knows is they’re not feeling the best and then all of a sudden they’re getting attention from someone else and it feels good. And then it becomes sort of like a drug, exciting, and undeniably addictive. The attention someone gets, it is like a dopamine hit every single time.
For any marriage to work, there has to be the right mindset and obligation to work together to deal with marriage in general and to overcome any hiccups along the way so that they can mend the tears on the surface and stand on a solid foundation. How many times have you encountered a couple who consists of one mate who just won’t do the work?
I would say that most of the time someone comes into my office, they are willing to do the work. There are, of course, times when the toxicity in the relationship is so high that hope has been lost. That’s when I mostly see people not doing the work.
Have you ever encountered a couple and determined they both had so many individual underlying issues that you needed to separate their therapy or recommend individual therapy? Or do you tackle all issues inclusively as a couple?
Absolutely, all the time. There are times when I recommend individual therapy and then come back for couples. And sometimes it’s OK if they do the individual work simultaneously while we are working on couple’s work. However, that individual work is always done with a separate therapist.
How do you gauge the commitment level of the couple initially?
It’s a couple things. First off, I typically ask the couple how committed they are and if both of them have both feet in the door. People are pretty honest about that most of the time. Also, I can feel it, based on what I see and what I hear from the couple.
Why should couples focus on reconnection and rebuilding instead of disconnection and destruction?
I think it’s at the core of peace and tranquility in our lives. When we have a good, solid, healthy, and secure relationship, that is our rock, that is what keeps us stable as we go through life.
Without giving up the steps themselves, can you give us a general summary of how your 3-step program helps to create the framework for a once again healthy partnership?
I typically see some big mistakes happening post-infidelity. These mistakes get in the way of moving forward and recovering. When they are able to avoid the mistakes and know exactly the steps to take, the knowledge to know, and the tools to support them, they can be well on their way to not only recovering, but reconnecting into a space they’ve never been before.
Tell our readers where they can find out more information about you or inquire about your services?
Instagram: @Reconnected_Relationship
https://www.reconnectedrelationship.com/three-steps-to-reconnecting
https://www.reconnectedrelationship.com/recovering-from-infidelity
And last, why is marriage worth it?
Even if someone doesn’t get married, being in a long-term connected and secure relationship is known to promote better health, mentally, emotionally, and physically.
