I Made it Through the Rain
The memories that are forever embedded in your Mind, Body and Soul will last a lifetime. Here I was married and pregnant with my Prince Charming, Yes all was finally well and right with the world. I was on the LL Train heading home just excited about putting up my swollen feet up and relaxing my aching back from a hard day of work and school. I was praying that my husband prepared something good to eat; as I was exhausted, hungry and tired, especially being seven months pregnant and waiting for this bundle of joy to embark and take over my life. As I was opening the front door I could hear the television playing and my man was relaxing on the sofa, but I didn’t smell the wonderful aroma of any hot cooked meal; I asked did he make anything and he said no, he was waiting for me to get home. I could feel the anger building up inside of me as he relaxed on the sofa having gotten home at 4pm and here it was 10pm at night and he was waiting for me to come home and cook. I said we will have to order something as I am completely exhausted and will not be preparing any meals this evening.
He shared how he had a taste for my specialty stew chicken and rice and the package was on the counter in the kitchen. I thought to myself and didn’t have any qualms on sharing my thoughts because he was obviously losing his mind if he thought I was going to stand over a hot stove this late at night with swollen feet, an aching back and exhausted from a hot day. I said I will order some Chinese food, but I am not cooking tonight. He said Babe, I really want some stew chicken and as your husband it is your duty to prepare this meal.
Through this back and forth dialogue with my husband I never paid attention to the signs or even realized that he had begun biting his lip, which was a true sign of the anger enraging inside of him. I questioned myself as to where in the world did this thinking process come from and was it real, because no man in his rightful mind would expect his seven month pregnant wife who just came home from work and school, to prepare a full cooked meal this time of night. I took off my shoes, I put my swollen feet up and just tried to relax for a few moments and take a few deep breathes to release the anger that was swelling up in my head, mind, back, feet, arms, legs and belly. This man here was completely crazy and I would not say another word, so I could avoid saying what I was really thinking. The moment that you ignore the potential signs for abuse they immediately surface and take action in your life. I can reflect back on hearing his tone change and his pacing begin, but yet I still didn’t realize what was about to take place.
All I could remember was my eyes shutting down and the snooze button elevating in my mind as sleep was all I could phantom at the moment and then suddenly I was AWAKE by the pain in my head, what was happening, what was going on? I looked up as I had fallen to the ground from the sofa as my husband and my Prince Charming was dragging me down the hallway to the kitchen, pulling me by my hair and insisting that I would prepare his stew chicken as he has been waiting for it all day. He was enraged and said that I had the nerve to disrespect him in his own home and that type of rude behavior would never be tolerated. Upon getting to the kitchen I could barely stand up from the pain in my right side as the shock of what was going on was beginning to take a toll on me and my body. He punched me several times in my back and told me to get up and begin the meal preparation, he asked why I would make him do this and why I just couldn’t be a good woman and wife. I didn’t know what to do as I began to gradually ease up from the kitchen floor, and catch my bearings. He said I want my meal done now, I was in shock, I was scared and couldn’t believe what this man whom I did not know just did to me. I began to bend to get a bowl to season the chicken out of the cabinet and the pain was excruciating from my right side. I put the chicken in the bowl and seasoned it; and then I got the other pot out and began to get all the ingredients ready and out, to make my fabulous stew chicken.
All I could think about was is this man going to kill me and if he was a body double, because I did not know who he was. I prepared the meal and served him as he kissed me on my cheek for doing such a great job. I found myself asking if I was done and could finally go and rest and he gave me permission to rest after having a hard day at work. I was not this person, what was I doing, why was I here as I stood ashamed to tell anyone. I went in my room and I called the police and told them what happened and they said they would send a patrol car over.
This man was not the man that I married and I would not spend the rest of my life living like this, did he not know who I was? How could anyone do this to someone that they supposedly loved? Many women stay in these abusive relationships due to lack of economic status, low self esteem, fear and no support system. These women have been oppressed for so long that they begin to believe the negative labels placed on them by their abusers.
Because it is a chronically under-reported crime, it’s hard to know exactly how common domestic violence is. However, what we do know is alarming. Here’s a sampling of available statistics:
• One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. One in four!
• 85 percent of domestic violence victims are women.
• Every year, an estimated 1.3 million women are physically assaulted by an intimate partner.
• Only about 20 percent of the victims of domestic violence obtain protection orders against their abusers, and about 50 percent of these protection orders are violated.
The police arrived as I could feel my husband’s piercing eyes on me as I went to open the door, the officers asked what happened as I told them about what he did to me, they pulled him to the side and spoke with him and then came back to me, they said ma’am you have the option to leave the home and go somewhere where you would feel more safe, or you can stay and keep the peace with your family, especially being pregnant and all. I didn’t sense the sensitivity, caring or urgency in their demeanor and voices as I assumed they would have for my situation. Just maybe they felt that I was not doing my part as a way, maybe I was making too much of the situation. I didn’t want my family or my friends to know what happened, I was embarrassed and ashamed. My ego was also feeding the fact of avoiding the words, I told you he wasn’t right for you, I told you so, then they said Sir, your wife is pregnant and patience is the key, you know how women are at this time in their lives, one of the officers shared with him that he and his wife just had a baby too and she drove him crazy as well.
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing as the tears rolled down my face, I guess this would be my life if I didn’t listen, or I would just have to run as fast as I could with a baby in belly and in tow. I mean where would I go? I decided to pack a few things to leave as my husband begged and swore this would never happen again. I decided to stay with the excuse being I was pregnant and didn’t want anyone to know what was really going on, behind closed doors. I have learned since that there are warning signs and various stages of violence. I didn’t leave this time, but I starting preparing my life for change. I kept a safety kit with my birth certificate and social security card. I kept a few outfits and everything really personal that I needed in a black bag that I kept in the hallway closet under some blankets. I felt alone and scared and I followed my wifely duties until my escape would be safe.
I also learned about Domestic Violence and continued to research it further and I realize that I was a statistic according to the definition I read by Safe Horizon and U.S. Department of Justice, Office on Violence against Women,
Domestic violence is a pattern of behavior used to establish power and control over another person through fear and intimidation, often including the threat or use of violence. Domestic violence can include physical, emotional, psychological, economic, and/or sexual abuse. Abusers use threats, intimidation, isolation, and other behaviors to gain and maintain power over their victims.
Domestic violence can affect anyone, regardless of income, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or religion. One in four women will experience domestic violence in her lifetime. Domestic violence occurs in same-sex relationships, and men can be victims as well. Other terms for domestic violence include intimate partner violence, battering, relationship abuse, spousal abuse, or family violence.
I packed up my belongings and decided to move out of the state, I left the majority of everything behind because nothing else was as important as the life of my child and me.
Domestic Violence is never acceptable on any level and as much as many of us would like to believe that they will change, the change by the abuser is temporary and short lived, it just doesn’t last. We must pay attention to the signs that can lead down to the path of Domestic Violence, such as:
Controlling your whereabouts, and your phone calls,
Alienating you from family and friends,
Constantly making accusations of you cheating
Constant threats of Violence and not being able to live without you
Protect yourself, keep a diary, befriend a neighbor and make them aware if they hear anything out of the ordinary to call the police.
Why does all of this matter? The cost of intimate partner violence exceeds $5.8 billion each year, $4.1 billion of which is for direct medical and mental health services.
I was fortunate and blessed to leave my abusive relationship, but unfortunately some women are not as fortunate. Pay attention to the signs, do not ignore them, seek help and never ever believe that you are deserving of this type of treatment. Nobody ever deserves to be “ABUSED”.
This article was featured in the March 2014 Issue.
