Find Friends Who Make You Want to Become Better, Not Smaller

 

 

Friendship should be comfortable.

But the best friendships shouldn’t make you complacent.

There is something powerful about having women in your life whose presence makes you want to become more disciplined, courageous, thoughtful, financially responsible, emotionally healthy, spiritually grounded or simply more honest with yourself.

Not because they criticize you.

Not because you’re competing with them.

But because watching them take their own lives seriously reminds you to take yours seriously too.

Those are friendships worth protecting.

Inspiration Feels Different From Competition

There is an important difference between having a friend who inspires you and having a friend you secretly feel pressured to outperform.

Healthy inspiration sounds like:

“She went back to school at 48. Maybe I haven’t missed my opportunity.”

“She finally established boundaries with her family. I need to work on mine.”

“She started saving seriously this year. I need to look at my finances.”

“She prioritizes her health appointments instead of putting herself last. I need to do that.”

Her progress doesn’t diminish you.

It expands what you believe might be possible for you.

That is completely different from comparison.

Comparison says, “She’s ahead of me.”

Inspiration says, “She’s showing me what’s possible.”

Good Friends Don’t Only Cheer—They Tell the Truth

We all need encouragement.

But friendship cannot consist exclusively of telling each other exactly what we want to hear.

Sometimes love sounds like:

“You keep saying you’re going to leave that situation, but you’re making the same decision again.”

Or:

“You’re always there for everyone else. Why won’t you ask for help?”

Or even:

“You were wrong this time.”

A real friend doesn’t humiliate you or constantly criticize you.

But she also isn’t so afraid of upsetting you that she watches you repeatedly sabotage yourself without ever saying anything.

Truth delivered with love is one of friendship’s greatest gifts.

Your Circle Influences Your Normal

Spend enough time around certain behaviors and they begin to feel ordinary.

If everyone around you constantly complains but never changes anything, stagnation can begin to feel normal.

If everyone spends money recklessly, financial chaos may feel normal.

If everyone’s relationships are filled with disrespect, dysfunction can begin looking like an unavoidable part of love.

But the reverse is also true.

Spend time around women who keep promises to themselves.

Women who apologize when they’re wrong.

Women who read, learn, save, build, heal, pray, exercise, rest, create and grow.

Women who don’t gossip about every person who leaves the room.

Women who aren’t threatened when someone else wins.

Suddenly, healthier behavior begins feeling normal too.

That matters.

The Right Friend Celebrates Your Evolution

Some relationships work beautifully as long as you remain the version of yourself everyone recognizes.

Then you change.

You stop drinking.

Start exercising.

Go back to school.

Set boundaries.

Get married.

Get divorced.

Start therapy.

Leave the job.

Start the business.

Become serious about your faith.

Change your priorities.

And suddenly someone who loved the old you becomes uncomfortable with the evolving you.

Healthy friendship allows growth.

Your friends don’t have to make identical choices.

But they shouldn’t require you to remain stuck so they can remain comfortable.

Growth Doesn’t Mean Every Conversation Has to Be Deep

Please don’t turn brunch into a quarterly performance review.

Friendship should still be fun.

You need women you can laugh with until your stomach hurts.

Women who send ridiculous videos.

Women who remember the story you’ve told seventeen times and still let you tell it again.

Women who will discuss absolutely nothing important for three hours.

Growth and joy are not opposites.

Sometimes the friend who makes you better is simply the one who reminds you that life isn’t supposed to feel serious every minute.

Become the Friend You’re Looking For

It’s easy to create a checklist for everyone else.

But ask yourself:

Am I encouraging?

Am I dependable?

Do I celebrate my friends without making their accomplishments about me?

Can they tell me good news without worrying that I’ll become jealous?

Can they tell me bad news without worrying that I’ll judge them?

Do I respect their boundaries?

Can I apologize?

Do I make room for their growth?

Am I the kind of woman whose friendship helps other women breathe easier and dream bigger?

We attract healthier relationships partly by learning how to participate in them.

Some Friendships Have Seasons

Not every friendship is meant to remain exactly the same forever.

That doesn’t automatically mean someone was fake.

Life changes.

Marriage changes schedules.

Children change priorities.

Caregiving consumes time.

Careers relocate people.

Personal growth can shift compatibility.

Some friendships become quieter without becoming hostile.

And sometimes letting a friendship change is healthier than desperately trying to recreate what it was ten years ago.

You can appreciate what someone meant during one season without forcing them into every future season.

Choose Women Who Want Good Things for You

This may sound basic.

It isn’t.

Choose friends who genuinely want your life to go well.

Women who don’t become distant every time something good happens to you.

Women who can celebrate your engagement even if they’re single.

Celebrate your promotion while they’re job hunting.

Celebrate your pregnancy while honoring their own complicated feelings.

Celebrate your business success without immediately minimizing it.

You deserve relationships where your joy doesn’t have to enter the room quietly.

And you should offer that same generosity in return.

The best friendships aren’t built around perfection.

They’re built around mutual respect, honesty, laughter, grace and the quiet understanding that neither woman has to become smaller for the other to feel secure.

Find women who make you think:

I want to take better care of my life.

And be that woman for somebody else.

Connected Woman Question: What is one positive habit, mindset or lesson you’ve picked up simply because you had the right woman in your circle?