Sima Torian has had her share of obstacles. And while each had their own individual impact on her life, they all were a source of motivation in where she is today. As a coach, Sima helps show women how to cultivate relationships that matter, create financial balance and navigate being single and emerge better because of it. While remembering who she once was, Sima is loving who she has become.
Who is Sima at her core? Today, at my core, I am a very passionate, helpful, compassionate and purposeful woman. But in all honesty, it hasn’t always been that way. At my core, I used to be a scared, abandoned, misunderstood, shy little girl from Martinsville, Va. Then I evolved into a woman with these same qualities. Today, I am changed. I have evolved. I have matured. I am still growing at my core.
Your bio states you are an expert in “Starting Over”. So tell us, what was your start over moment? I have so many of them; I could name quite a few. I have labeled myself as an expert because I have real life experience at starting over to back it up. I will let you all in on the most recent “start over” moment. In about 2011, I was married and very unhappy in my marriage at that time. I was a fairly new mother to my two sons, Jeremiah and Jacoby. They were still toddlers at this time. I began to wonder often if God is who He says He is and He promised to give us life and life more abundantly, why was it that I was over 40 and I felt like my life had little to no meaning besides being a mother. And even it was probably the greatest challenge I had faced since my parents both passed away within months of each other when I was 19. I would say to God in my prayers….” God, there has to be more to life than where I am currently. There has to be”! I began to pray for purpose and divine connections. Shortly thereafter, I found myself anticipating my divorce. Ironically, at the same time, I found myself taking my first baby steps towards cultivating my God given purpose. Isn’t it funny how God works? While it was a dark time in my life, there was some light seeping in through the cracks of my brokenness. I was soon thrust into being divorced for the 2nd time, a mother of two small children and once again, single and on my own. See, I knew how to do single and on your own because I had done it with God’s help since I was 19. At that moment, I was angry that I had to “start over” yet again. Again God? Again? At that moment, I realized that to become an expert at riding a bike, one must practice and fall down and get back up and practice some more. That’s when it all started over yet again. And, today, I am where I am because I embraced my “start over” moment.
How do you approach showing other women how to nourish healthy relationships in their lives? My approach is always to start with her. I encourage her to dig deep within herself to see what it is she exudes that causes either the right relationships to be attracted to her energy or the wrong ones. Usually, when she has solicited my assistance, she has faced more of those wrong relationships than she wants to admit. I know this all too well because I too have been there. I had to ask myself, what is it about me that I attract the wrong types of relationships? This can apply to all types of relationships. During my coaching sessions, we use our first two sessions to take a look back. We start first with her childhood and then we build a relationship resume so that together we can analyze who she is, who she has become, who were her identity shapers in life and what are her learned behaviors as a result of it.
I am sure many women can relate to having a relationship (or two or three) that they look back on like “What was I thinking?”. Why, in your opinion, do we keep repeating the same behaviors time and time again? I believe we repeat the same behaviors for three reasons. 1) We don’t know any better. Someone or more than one person has shaped our identity and our behaviors and they probably didn’t even realize it. We watched these people exhibit dysfunctional behaviors as children and we have grown to know them as normal. 2) Patterns – we have bought into the patterns in our lives. They have become our comfort place. We all get in cycles and get comfortable and can’t seem to get out, right? 3) Lastly, we are afraid of change or we don’t know how to change. Change is necessary to break these habits. It is easier to just exist as we are. To become something else requires change, new behaviors, accountability and determination. Some of us just can’t step up to the plate to change.
Tell us about your relationship and Financial Coaching Services and your LOVE AND WAR BOOTCAMP for Single Women. Was there any particular catalyst to you adding the financial segment? I started the Love and War Bootcamp first to create an opportunity for single women to have a voice. It is an 8-week course with me and we talk about God’s design for marriage in the book of Genesis, how to seek healing before moving on to new relationships and what they can be doing while they wait for God to send the right mate. During those 8 weeks, the ladies get to hear from one male and can submit questions before the call. During the last session, I invite a few married women to share some things that they maybe wish they had done different. From that, I created a 4-week Relationship Coaching Series because I realized that a number of my clients needed one on one help with their own unique situations. It has been my greatest success. It is intense but it is worth every minute that we spend together over those 4 weeks. From my conversations with the single ladies, having managed 401k plans now for over 20 years, I realized that they desperately needed help with their finances as well. No man wants a woman who is a liability. So, I created additional coaching to help them prepare a budget and pay down debt. All of these things are in hopes that my clients will make better relationship choices than I did.
Tell us about your upcoming memoir that you are working on? I am currently working on my first release, Concrete Rose. It is a memoir about my life. It has been yet another challenging goal in my life because writing it I have had to glance back at many very painful times during my past. The title was inspired by a poem written by Tupac Shakur, entitled “Can a Rose Grow through Concrete”. Can a rose grow throw concrete or rock or gravel? Of course it can. It is a mystery but we have seen photos of this. That is how I see my life. Regardless of where I found myself, even in concrete, I bloomed. My prayer is that as the reader travels with me from my childhood to today, they will see the undeniable hand of God upon my life. And, if He can do this for me, He can surely do this for them.
What was your lowest point and how did you turn it around? I don’t know if I can assign one of my tragic moments in life as my lowest. I would have to say there are a few that could each weigh the same. I will share one of those. When I was 19, my mom died of breast cancer in January of 1989. I remember getting the call from my Dad at around 6:30am that Jan 2nd. His voice basically whispered, “She’s gone”. She was our rock. She was the only parent that raised my sister and me. I know she cried a lot at night because she was weary or couldn’t provide something that she thought we should have. I never saw this but being a mom myself now, I know she did. She did the best she could and we never missed a beat. Breast cancer took her from us early. She was only 42. We were teenagers. I was a freshman at the University of Virginia. My Dad was there but as you can imagine him being there during this time was confusing because he had not been most of our lives. I knew he was hurt by her departure. He still loved her. Less than 3 months later, we came home from a concert to learn that my dad was also dead. He had died of a drug overdose in our bathroom. We had just hugged him goodbye not 3 hours before. Now, we were orphans! My sister and I had to grow up very quickly. Honestly, I don’t know how we turned it around. I just know that God ordered our steps and granted favor when we needed it. We were alone and on our own. We had little to no support from family so it was just the two of us. We held on to each other and took it one day at a time. That’s how we overcame.
Who is the woman who is seeking out your programs and who will she be once she has successfully completed your program (s)? The woman who would seek out help from me as a coach would probably be a woman who has finally gotten tired of being tired. She has given up sometimes on herself and her ability to make sound relationship, life or financial decision. She knows that she needs to change but doesn’t really know what her first steps need or should be. That’s when she reaches out to me. Once we are finished our time together, my prayer is that her self-esteem has evolved much like a caterpillar does to a beautiful butterfly. She also now trusts her ability to make choices and is no longer afraid to make sound decisions with herself in mind. Lastly, in some cases, they leave me with an entrepreneur idea and next steps. Each of my clients, depending upon their unique circumstances, will all move at different paces but I remind them that even small steps are still steps towards progress.
Has it been hard balancing your career and motherhood? Any regrets? It has been hard specifically because of time. But, I have no regrets. I work hard when my boys are not with me and they spend time with Dad so that when they come home, I can give them my undivided attention. This is very important to me because my mom worked a lot when I was growing up and because she was a single parent, she missed a lot of my accomplishments. I want to be there for everything for my boys and I will! I love what I do, but they are my priority.
You mention on your website about awakening your purpose when you first got started. Do you think you are there yet or are you just getting started? OH……I am definitely just getting started. I am surely a late bloomer but it was God’s plan for my life. I had to go through to get to this place. It was necessary. It was part of the overall plan for my life. It had to happen. Besides, I just recently became clear on my purpose in life about 4 years ago so I have a long way to go!
To find out more on Sima, her services and upcoming book visit www.butterflymomentswithsima.com.
Did Sima and her journey inspire you? Share your thoughts in the comments below.
