FACES OF DEPRESSION SERIES
I don’t usually look back because I love living in the present moment and living from that place of abundance, but recollecting my moments with depression takes me to this special place of humility and grace. Therefore, I don’t mind tracing scars and sharing my stories if it will help another woman.
I used to wear the Superwoman cape so many other women have worn. Giving endlessly became the fuel of my life – I was always offering, sacrificing, and submitting myself. I thought it was everything I needed to stay alive. That was until I gave too much of my time, energy, basically myself as was sent into a whirlwind of mental pain.
In early 2010 I returned home after being away for over a month caring for my ailing mother. Honestly, I felt like I had been away for an entire year. As the wheels of my plane hit the tarmac, there was a jolt that brought me back to reality. I looked out of the window and sighed. That silent sigh was my way of saying that I had returned to what was comfortable to me. However, I felt very different, even though my sense of normalcy was in sight.
At the time, I didn’t understand why I felt different. I just knew Tina did not feel like Tina. My buoyant disposition had diminished. I was depleted and no longer felt that I had the strength to be everything to everybody. As I entered my home and walked down the hall to my room, I climbed in my bed and spent far more time than I should have tucked under the covers. I was exhausted, and I was deeply depressed. I realized that as I was caring for my mother I forgot to take care of me. Perhaps, as I gave away bits, chunks, and pieces of me to others, I forgot to keep the most essential parts of my being.
Journey Back to Myself
There are times when we embark on a journey, unsure of the destination or the length of time it will take to get there. All we can hope is that along the way lessons are learned, clarity is received, and that it is as painless as possible. I traveled on a journey of self-discovery. Personally, I do not feel it was a journey I chose to travel but one that was chosen for me. It was time for Tina to heal.
Failing miserably at hiding my depression, a close friend recognized a difference in my demeanor. She suggested I take a trip to nurture myself. Later, I would call this trip my journey of self-discovery. I took my friend’s advice and booked a trip to Anguilla, BWI and spent days reconnecting with Tina. The peace and tranquility of the island was the perfect backdrop to quiet the voices of others, and become totally consumed with myself and my needs.
Each morning, I would sit in a chair on my balcony overlooking the water as I wrote in my journal. Writing was my way of releasing the words from my brain in order to create space for information to flow in and receive clarity. The primary question I was seeking clarity for was simply, “What should I do?” The answer would be revealed during my time on the island.
Anguilla has beautiful beaches with pristine turquoise water and white sand. Being near the water provided me with a sense of peace. So after my daily journal writing, I would visit a different beach and rest there for hours listening to the sounds of the ocean.
It was during one of those moments on the beach when I gave myself permission to grieve for the piece of Tina that no longer existed. I walked into the ocean and, with my head looking towards the blue sky, I asked God, “What do you want me to do?” Following the question, I immersed myself in the water and then slowly emerged. As I walked back to my towel that lay on the sand, a feeling of relief came over me. Almost like all of my worries of the past were released in the water.
When I returned to New Jersey, I had a new outlook on life. I began to meditate daily; I started to discover my purpose in life and began putting the necessary steps in place to follow my purpose. My journey felt long but it was worth every step. I am not same version of myself before the depression. However, the woman I now see in the mirror is healthier because she is connected to her need for self-care and self-love.
My first bout with depression stopped my whole world. It made me wake up to the healing that I needed. The healing did not happen until I fully surrendered myself. I did the exterior means of healing out of desperation – taking prescribed pills with the intention of feeling better. The anti-depressants seemed to work for a very short time, but later 
on, the deep sadness and the disarming rut resurfaced to cripple me. It was only through slowly healing from within that I was able to listen to my own voice again. I did not only immerse out of the murky times lighter, but I also felt closer to that sense of homecoming – very closer to my gifts of vision, empathy, and service to others. These gifts have been passed on to me by my grandmothers and they are passages I share with others in the fulfillment of my life – this life of magic, becoming, and being.
To my sister reading this article, it is my hope that my story gives you the hope and inspiration to heal the woman within. You are not alone. I am always hearing when you need an understanding ear to listen to you. Just know that although you may not like the feeling of depression, perhaps it is part of your journey of self-discovery. For when you are quiet you are able to hear what has often been muted by all that is taking place in your life.
Tina C. Hines is a Life Transformation Specialist who empowers women to fulfill their dreams of happiness. Through speaking and her Caribbean retreats, Tina inspires women to heal old wounds in order to unveil their self-love. She is a member of Black Life Coaches, the Advisory Committee for the Middlesex County Vocational and Technical Schools. Tina holds a degree in Business Administration from the University of Phoenix and a certification in mental health first aid. She is also certified as a life coach, empowerment coach and transformational coach from the International Instruction of Coaching Studies. To learn more about Tina visit www.tinachines.com.
