CWM reached out to women who were experiencing grief over the loss of a loved one and asked them to share their stories. I hope these stories from other women, offer -if only a little bit- of healing for someone else. Let’s chat with Marcella Moore :
What range of emotions have you found yourself battling since your loss? Has this hindered your day to day in any way?
The various emotions that I have battled since my mother transitioned on July 7, 2014 have been loneliness, sadness, depression, abandonment, rejection, unhappiness, guilt, shame, angry and grief just to name a few.
These emotions hindered my day because every day when I opened my eyes I realized that I had a decision to make. The decision was to allow these emotions to dictate the rest of my day or to acknowledge them but trust God through prayer that He will give me the strength to make it through the day. There were a few days when I could not press through and I just stayed in the bed and cried but those days did not outweigh the number of days I chose to press my way to continue on with life.
Do you have a support system of family and friends?
I have a lot and family and friends. I am the family member and friend who most call for encouragement, prayer and support and I think that because I resemble strength in people’s minds, they tend to think that I am ALWAYS okay. After the funeral the support dwindled, support was limited and I was often alone.
I am blessed with friends who I can call at any time and say I am having a rough day and they will do whatever they can to love on me and pray me through but I don’t make those calls often. I saturate my days with prayer but I am honest enough with myself to know that if the pain becomes overwhelming I should get professional help.
What do you miss most about your mom and the role she played in your life prior to the loss?
OMG! My Mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in October 2012 and every since that day I held her close. I went to 99.95% of her doctor’s appointment, took her to her treatments which included chemo, radiations (7 weeks, every day Monday through Friday), proton therapy (8.5 weeks, every day Monday through Friday), surgery and spent the nights with her in surgery and three times in ICU. We became very close and she was my biggest cheerleader.
I am the oldest of four children and most of my life I felt like I received the least of my mother’s love and that feeling followed me most of my life. God gave me an opportunity to experience my Mother’s love in the way that I always longed for. I am a speaker and the last speaking engagement I had when my mother was alive was on May 31, 2014; it was an all day conference and it was an hour away from home. Mother spent the entire day with me and she enjoyed herself. She told me on our way home how proud of me she was, she thanked me for being bothered with her and she said she had an awesome time – that day forever changed my life.
My Mom was a fighter; she came out of ICU three times when we were told that she wouldn’t. When she transitioned she did so in a rehab facility. The day before my daughter and I visited her and she was fine; the weather was beautiful and I took she and her friends outside and we played “Simon Says” and then had dinner together. I had no idea when I left her that it would be the last time she kissed and held me.
I miss her smile, her laughter and beautiful sense of humor. Her home-going service was uplifting and powerful because it reflected who she was, a beautiful woman who touched the lives of everyone she came in contact with.
What do you do to refocus and get back to living?
I have a resource organization/ministry called “Motivate and Pray” which has been a tremendous blessing on my journey. My Mom was diagnosed in 2012 and I started Motivate and Pray on January 19, 2013. It is a weekly call where we inspire, motivate, encourage and pray for individuals. From this call and my journey with my Mom, I started “Caring with the Caregivers” which is a monthly support call for caregivers. Encouraging others and knowing that my Mother wants me to do everything God has called me, helps me refocus and get back to living. Being a life-giver, a motivator and exhorter to others helps my process. I often tell stories about my Mother when I speak or share; it is a tremendous healing ointment for me.
What would you say to people who are trying comfort someone dealing with grief that they may be doing wrong or taking the wrong approach on?
The things that comforted me were the stories people told about how my mother touched and affected their lives; those stories made me smile. Sometimes it is not necessary to say anything, sometimes a hug, a smile and a prayer does it. Sometimes people make me feel worse not only by the words they say but by the sorrowful spirit or negative energy they bring.
There is no procedure for grieving or a set amount of time. Do you find that some people have an expectation that things are back to normal and you should act according?
I really have to say yes to this question because I made a choice to keep moving and being available through prayers and events for individuals, people forget that I just lost my mom almost three months ago. I take responsibility for some of this because I believe that we teach people how to treat us.
I lost my first child after being pregnant for six months and delivering him at only 1 lb and 13 oz. in December 1988 and then my 45 year old Dad three weeks later in 1989. I was 25 years old and it was a very difficult time for me but it does not compare to the feelings I experience when my Mom transitioned. I said that to say that although I experienced loss before it is never the same and your healing time may vary. It took me years to get of my baby and my daddy but today I feel like I will never stop longing for and missing my Mom. I know that it gets better with time but today it is still heavy but heavy with peace and heavy with love.
Is there anything you would like to add?
One thing that comforts me on my heavy days is that I know that I did everything in my power to give my Mother the best two years of her life and she knew it. She knew that her children loved her and would do anything and everything to make sure she received the best care possible. I am blessed because I gave her a birthday party this year and on her good days we made sure she enjoyed life. I am grateful for every day that God gave me with His gem – His Pearl, my Mother.
I would like to encourage everyone to embrace life, love your family, practice forgiveness and show your love in word and deed. Acknowledge your feelings and emotions and if it becomes overwhelming, get the necessary help that you need. Embrace the good memories of your love one and allow those memories to bring joy to your heart. Through the pain and heaviness, you can and you will live again.
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one? Share your thoughts below. Reach out to Marcella at firstname.lastname@example.org.
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